the sea

the sea rages

and the sea is still. 

we sit by the shore,

jump in the waves,

listen to the wonder of the comings

and the goings

and we love it

regardless of the times we are afraid

because it is beautiful

it is life

and it is still.

even in the wildness of its thunder,

its stillness is there.

the power terrifies us,

but those of us who are strong 

see the calmness beyond/amidst the rage,

the grace that accompanies the demons.

yet, the weak will turn 

and never return to the sea.

they will miss the storms, protected,

but they will also miss the wonder

of the sun on the water,

the fish, the sand, the exhilaration of

knowing the strength beyond ourselves.

i am like the sea.

i rage with tears and

words that sting

i stumble, thrown about as in a rush

i sit and i breath

and i dance through the tides

the cyclical tides

the frustrating times

the peaks and the depths

the wishing for balance

the willing to stop,

the longing for a straight line.

and yet, beyond the hoping and the wishing,

the circles continue,

the swirling and the twists

the coiling round and round

the ups and downs

will never stop

not as long as the waves continue to reach the shore,

as the waves disappear back into the sea,

as the sand is pulled and shifted,

and the shells revealed,

a small reminder of the treasures we have not seen,

but remember from the times when we too 

lived amongst the wild and free.

remember creatures, the water has never left us.  

26, December 2009

the functioning lungs/death

what is it like to die?

to know that in mere moments

none of this will be?

that you will never again see

her face or kiss his lips

or touch these sheets softly against your hands?

that every moment of your life

will vanish

to know the mass of flesh will 

lie there

sagging skin

organs to be cut open and examined

by someone who never knew you

funerals planned

put into the ground

or body burned by flames

lots of crying people

no one knowing what to say

breaths further apart

loosing ability to move arms and legs

eyes closed

difficult to open

slowed breath

maybe those you love are there

or maybe they already died

do you hear anything?

feel anything?

know anything new?

is there anything in that moment that never was before that moment?

what does your blood feel like?

and your breath?

what do you think?

if you are unconscious, do you know that death is near?

or any of these things?

do you know what it is to die?

to be moments from not existing in the 

world in this way?

do you think of your parents?

or your mother when she birthed you?

or the way you were conceived?

or your children?

or the moments they were conceived?

or your god?

or your love?

or your mistakes?

or is it just the immediate pain?

the fewer and farther between breaths?

do you know none of the rest of this at all?

are you scared?

are you free?

or panicked? 

can this ever be shared with someone else?

do you know the end of life

more than the beginning?

or are we like the brand new baby pushed out

of the mother's womb

covered in blood and liquids

and tears

and gasping for breath

and with no memory yet

knowing nothing but the

sensations of 

life

the heat, the lack of heat

the air

the functioning lungs

the crying out

the clinging to our mother

being held by another?

18 december 2009

this i

pain sometimes takes a hold of me

like staring at

blue veins and

wishing they would bleed

release

this anxiousness i feel

pulsating in my

contracting, constricting, contracting, constricting

why can't i leave the past?

why can't i shed that time, those places, 

those things, those ways?

why do they stay in me, cling to me,

tighten in my thought and

pressure in my head

even tears won't release me

how do i learn to crawl out of this

dark and damp cave?

how do i shed this skin and 

grow fresh?

or not even grow fresh...there is 

nothing i want to retain

i want to be a new, but not even

a new

i want to not be i

no have no concept of i

no memory of i

no thoughts of i

this i that knew you

who knew me

i was i

and never knew me or

god or love or anything

i still don't know anything

thats why i want to be 

a bird or a tree

or the wind

yes, the wind

or anything, anything

but this i

this trapped i

this constricted i

this i that reads horoscopes 

looking for hope

or reassurance

or some kind of meaning

this i that no longer picks up books

this i that is tired of the world as it is

tired of hoping for better

tired of knowing that will never happen

tired of loneliness

and tired of everyday, ever moment

trying to teach myself

how to relax, be love, be free, be positive with

the people around me

tired of trying to be free and heal

i no longer want this i

i want to be a bird that flies away

the bird you see in the sky for a moment

and then never again in your life

a fish lost in the depth of the water

that scientists have never created a ridiculous name

to be called and categorized and found and studied

and drawn into their constructed reality

of the world as they alone see it

with all the meaning created by what it means for us

how we see it, feel it, think it, how it impacts us

yes, i want to be that fish that has never been seen by the human eye

that is still free creation 

swimming in the waters, the cool and warm waters, the currents

tied to the moon

twirling with the stars 

want to feel the water on my skin

don't want to feel this weight

trapped by this weight

clothed in this weight

defined by this weight

feel bad about this weight

i want to swim free

fly free

soar in the waters and the skies free

leave this world for the forest or the sea

a place where no human being has ever seen

and when i die not ask what happened or

didn't happen or if i lived or loved

fully enough

this i is stuck in thoughts

this i is lost

this i knows too much and nothing at all

this i wears a mask

that the birds have never ever imaged is

necessary or possible

never questioning

content with, no, not even aware 

of questioning 

their feathers and scales

18 december 2009

the best vibration is love

I need to be free.

A relationship should make us

more free-

more able to be

to be

and to be free love

 free imagination

 free exploration

free to be a body

soft, warm, wounded, trying to heal,

with sometimes strained breaths

and a flickering heart

like a window not sure whether

to close 

or open

I need to be love

to lay in the earth

to touch the skins of the trees

to have my head held 

by the soil

and my eyes closed

no longer afraid

the sun shines

warming

and i am unafraid

no longer holding tight in my neck

no longer straining my face to

say don't fuck me

don't hurt me

don't break me down because of this

open vulnerability

just love me

like this earth holds my head

warm

and this sun holds my skins

and the wind holds my ears

as the sweetest sound i've heard

peace is being free in this world

free means being open

open means vulnerable

vulnerable means having faith

faith means recognizing the entirety of universe

recognition means shrinking and also expanding

in the divine fluidity that flows within us all

this fluidity is energy

energy is vibrations,

and the best vibration is love. 

9 December 2009

love-faith

love-faith

connected

need each other

if you have faith, you love

love is faith

because you are open and vulnerable and

when you do that

you can LOVE

love is the message of faith and

the reason for being alive

8 December 2009

the land

I want to know a place-

the land is our home.

we need to reconnect to the earth

8 December 2009

embers

Be hot like embers

Be free like wind

Be constant motion like water

Be still like stone

Be touching like boulders

Be light like feathers

Be falling like leaves

Be always like pines

Be wonder like wheat grains

Be potential like seed

Be depth like roots

Be balance like breath

Be joyous like me

Be vibration like sunshine

Be curious like pinecone

Be medicine like plant

Be hope like eagle

Be strong like branch

Be slow like turtle

Be hot like embers

passion while dying,

heat until the ending.

giving eternal. 

21 November 2009

dear one

dear one,

i write you love letters in my sleep

and in my waking moments

i turn to see your arrival

you are in existence, i know,

so lets hurry up and reach

one another-collide-

so we can slow down and 

sit together by the edge of the water

and dream of the times when

our souls first met

20 November 2009

at twin pines

A few weeks ago I drove to northern Minnesota, to Twin Pines, a resthome for the creative.  The following was written on 20 November 2009 while sitting next to the lake.

The beauty here is almost unsettling because it feels so much better than the places and feelings in the city.  On my drive up here today I recognized in myself that everyday all I touch is plastic and human "invented/constructed."  I know nothing of real value in the world: I don't know the birds that live in the trees that aid my breath; I don't know the touch of the soil that grows the plants and food or sits empty while awaiting/rejuvenating; I don't know the way the water flows or what is upstream or down or how deep or what the bottom would feel like on my toes; I don't know the touch of the skins of the trees; I don't know the people that live in the homes next to mine; I don't grow any of my own food; I don't know how to construct art from the beauty of the earth's materials like how to use the vibrant purples of beets to color the lambs wool or how to take a fallen tree and make a canoe or table or chair.  There are so many things I long to know and so much I know that is empty and meaningless-that will fade and destroy us.

The one true thing I do know is love.  I know the love of the sunshine and the wheat stalks and the stones on the edge of the lake.  I know the love that I feel pulsing in me waiting for the world to be right and free;  free for all beings for the wind and the leaves, the wolf and the fox, the eagle and the stone, the reeds, cattails, grass and insects.  Free for the women who love women, for for the men who are sensitive, free for each of us.  Free.

This is my hope for the world. 

remember

remember:

breath is the connection

love is the way 

5 November 2009

stars and sea

i feel so lonely as a star

spinning/burning in the wondrous darkness

i think i'm going to burn out

and this darkness will replace me

other stars will twinkle on

until the darkness too quenches them

as it eats up and 

makes invisible

the previously visible

i want to shine again

like the times i no longer remember

and dream about/curious to

the feelings that lived/be then

why this journey?

STARS AND SEAS

STARS AND SEAS

SEAS SEAS SEAS

6 November 2009

with

I want someone to celebrate life 

and talk about death with

to walk silently through the woods

and lay side by side on the twin bed with

to look at and know the

smiles in eyes

and the laughter in lips

i want someone to be true with

real with

to feel close with

and lay my body tightly next to with

to love skin with

and close eyes with

to smell with and rest my tired head with

to massage my neck with 

to touch feet with and toes with

to never worry about my looks with

to be content with and quiet with

to scream with and shout with

and love create with

to kiss as many times a day as I wish with

to really feel free with

to whisper with and tell jokes with

to settle down with and grow with

to love, love, love in every form and action and thought 

and look with

to love the ocean with

to stand on the stand with barefeet in the waves with

to bus ride the world with

to take pictures with

to photograph asleep, awake, smiling, looking unique with

to kiss neck with

to build a family with

to visit my family with

to travel with and eat food with

to share ideas with 

make music with

build art with

end war with

sit still with

stand under trees with

plant flowers with

last breath with

cry with

try new things with

lessen suffering with

remember with

always love with

love with

love with

love with

28 october 2009

conception

thinking about how conception can be the result of the union of love causes me to think about how much of the sexuality we see and participate in is pleasure driven-so much about pleasure, power, aggression, control, desire, looks-it is all so far from love and i wonder if it hurts god to see us in this manner. 

love poem

i want to write a poem about love.

i want to write a million poems about love.

i want the first and last moments of the opening and

closing of my lips to speak of love.

i want the silence of my lips touching to speak 

of love

i want each moment of each eyelashes movement to 

vibrate love

i want my waking and my sleeping my

in-between, before and after to whisper love

and i want the stillness of my sitting and the 

wildness of my dancing to shout love

i want the crossing of my legs and the pulse of

my pen on this paper to transmit love

i want to exude love from my pores as

sweat the drips from my body from love-making

i want to love and love and love and

love you and her and me and us and

i heard a poet once say that

before you can love me, you must love love-

i want to love love,

be love,

speak love,

sleep love,

beating heart love,

sing love,

laugh love,

stare love,

cry love,

touch love,

swim love,

breath love,

die love,

live love,

love love

love love

love love

LOVE.

and yet, even though i see it and feel it

in each second of my breaths,

i can't find it-can't find it in another,

can't find another to love love and love me

and love the wonder of our intimacy

and then all these poets say these beautiful things

about love and honesty and

being real with ourselves and those we love

but then they end them saying

things like "so, i'll wait for you"

"ill wait for love thats true"-

i'll wait.

and wait and wait for 

something to be real and 

honest

but these endings always leave me disappointed,

like a sign,

because why are we waiting

patiently waiting

furiously waiting

for LOVE? WHY ARE WE WAITING FOR LOVE?

WAIT FOR LOVE?

Why not just love?

and why not be love?

and why not say, "so i've stopped waiting,

because no longer will i live my life 

in the future hopes? in these fairytale 

fantasies?"

when will we say I AM COMPLETE

RIGHT NOW

because 

I AM LOVE.

i understand wanting to wait and hope and

dream and believe and fantasize,

but is that right? or is it all

a continuation of living for the future and

settling for less

23, october 2009

easter beasley

portrait of sjm, sept 2009

BREAKING NEWS!

would i be considered insane if i kept all the clippings from the papers that tell the stories of the women and girls that are raped and murdered?

it would fill up all the space and day after day layer

on top of one another

all the women

all the women

all the WOMEN

why the women?

i have too many questions to ask about why women are killed and so many other horrible, horrible things that i should name because we need to actually be shocked into

action and remember

our compassion

and empathy

for a person’s life-

a person, a beautiful, beautiful person

who has a mother and a father

and a brother and friends

and high school friends and neighborhood friends

and work friends and college friends and sports team friends

and dreams

and loves

and lovers

and people she has loved and been intimate with

and opened her self and

and she has once or maybe many times

jumped, leaped, dove into the depths

of vulnerability and truth and trust

and then, one day

a man, a man, a man, a man?

comes and hits her

or beats her

or rapes her

or kills her

or hits, beats, rapes and kills her

and then we broadcast this on the news

and the headlines flash and rush past as 5 second recaps of the daily sports games

stream across the bottom of the screen

and we can see what news report will air in 2 minutes counting down

120, 119, 118, 117..........60, 59, 58, 57, 56, 55, 54 seconds

and the graphic in the corner flashes

BREAKING NEWS

and they are talking about a person

a person

that beautiful person

that baby, that toddler, that first day of school, that teenage confusion, and young adult wonder

that person

PERSON

say it-

P E R S O N

you, me

our interbe

 

and it happens

each and every day

and each and every day

these stories and words

stream past us

and through us

and enter our ears

and we stop crying

and we stop caring

and we look back at our glamour magazine while bopping up and down on the elliptical machine

and that’s it

and NO ONE THINKS ABOUT HOW THIS FEELS

and EFFECTS US ALL

and ESPECIALLY THOSE CLOSE TO THAT LIVING, BREATHING, LOVING HUMAN BEING

 

why have we forgotten how to know with each

cell of our existence

how it is, what it feels like, how you be

when someone experiences pain

and suffering

and inexplicable, thoughtless violence

?

?

?

 

where have we gone

and who have we become?

 

and when will we open our heart eyes and ears

and remember that we die too, but it is more than that

the reason the loss is tragic is not because it effects me

it is because it happened

and that person experienced pain and suffering and absolute hatred and violence

as the last emotions of physical experience on this earth

and the reason they experienced that was

100% avoidable, 100% hatred, 100% inexplicable to the point that nothing you have ever been taught or believe about human existence (and human nature? –if that even exists) could align with these acts of brutality and so what does that mean for all of existence

and why does it exist?

why do we allow this to perpetuate

and, if we aren’t the ones allowing it to happen,

why does whoever or whatever is the ruling, creating force want/allow/know about this?

we need to do something

we can not be silent.

 

thursday, september 17, 2009 12:37am

floating vacation

when the sun set sail

view from the bus, on the road to Kodaikanal, December 2008

pro-me

i’m tired of walking the streets

preaching what i’m against and

hating you.

 

so here’s what i’m FOR.

 

i’m pro-love and

                         pro-possibility.

 

i’m pro-women loving women

emancipation, imagination and

DREAMS.

 

i’m pro-passion, compassion

and practice meeting theory to

reveal the expansive realm

of opportunity.

 

i’m pro-choice.

 

and i don’t mean just over the

fetus in my womb,

but over my life, the world, our oceans,

gardens, rivers,

families, agricultural practices,

and

autonomy.

 

i’m pro-people

black, white, red, yellow, and green.

pro-woman, and man

and everyone

in between.

 

because we’re all in-betweens

because nothing separates me and that

man on the street

except the socialized teachings that have taught him that he can

rape and dominate me.

 

because he has a penis. and i don’t.

 

i’m pro-poetry, creativity,

expression,

dance,

sweat

revolution

laughter and sensuality.

 

i’m pro-peace.  no, not just flower child, barefeet optimism

(although that’s alright, too)

but hard work, reconciliation,

mediation and listening to

my aches

your pains

as broken people

in a wounded world.

 

i’m pro-healing, pro-teaching,

pro-hope and love-making.

i’m pro-dignity, personality,

and freedom for everyone of us to see

the scope of our

DIVINITY.

 

i’m pro-reading books, giving looks, and

shouting at the top of my lungs

I AM WOMAN.  I AM FREE.

I am past, present, and in the

queerness of my identity

i am

unity.

 

so stop fucking me and raping

her

 

because i’m pro-life

with a capital L

and your laws do not determine

my life or my value in the world.

 

i’m pro-healing, and kneeling

and digging in dirt.

 

i’m pro-mother, pro-father, pro-sister

brother/aunt/uncle/cousin and friend.

 

i’m from no where and everywhere and therefore,

 

i’m pro-wandering, discovering, challenging and

sometimes, sometimes,

FUCKING UP,

because i’m pro-CHANGE,

and NOT BEING THE SAME

as the hatred and war that drives our economy and

bombs women and  children overseas.

 

because women and children are the victims of war

as big men with guns storm through their doors,

and rape our daughters and slaughter our sons

as they sling machine guns over their arms

and force the poorest to take up weapons because they have been told that they have to

kill someone else in order to become a man

and earn their degree.

because they are lower-class, different, diseased

definitely not deserving of the same rights as you or as me. 

 

i’m pro- food, education, health-care

and shelter for all. 

and i’m pro-raising our taxes for social welfare.

because we all need help.  we are not alone

because systems are systematic and

patriarchy, racism, classism, sexism, agism, and heterosexism (to just name a few)

privilege some over others

and NO ONE

is a self-made man.

 

i’m pro-community,

pro-playgrounds and schools,

pro-libraries, pro-protest, pro-public space

pro-art,

graffiti/pro-song/hip hop and being smart.

 

pro-hugs, and kisses-

but only with permission

because your illegal sexuality

has no place or claim on my

physical, mental or emotional body.

 

i’m pro-eating right and exercise.

pro-relaxation and compromise.

pro-ganja, pro-wisdom, pro-meditation,

pro-evolution.

 

i’m pro-spirituality and taking turns

because sharing is caring

and there’s more than enough to go around. 

 

i’m pro-waking up

and looking around

and focusing on the oneness of our shared humanity.

 

i’m pro-loving myself

and being me

and allowing others to live and to breath.

 

i’m pro-slowing down

and shutting up

because sometimes its about hearing the stories of others and not just yourself, because we are not the gate-keepers of knowledge

and authority.

 

i’m pro-honesty

pro-solidarity

pro-not being silent and

beginning to grieve

for all the people we’ve killed

and deaths we’ve allowed

and crimes against the poor

done by the very same dictators that govern our laws

and make our policies

and increase our dependence on

the raping of land and stealing of resources from everyone overseas.

 

i’m pro-taking naps, and going on walks

pro-climbing mountains

and camping out.

i’m pro-loving each other as much as we love

that new dvd/television/house/shoes and purse.

 

i’m pro-ideological change

that originates inside

our very own minds

because nothing happens in real life

that does not first occur in our brains. 

 

this is what i’m PRO.  this is what i’m FOR.

 

i’m pro-love, pro-you, pro-god, pro-seasons,

pro-organic REVOLUTION

pro-teaching each other to care for the world

pro-positivity

and definitely, absolutely, without a doubt-

I’M PRO-ME.

written spring 2008

dedication

to my mother, who has always added color to my life. 

gender

clinging to gender involves:

-consumerism

-focus on external

-time consumption

-running away from self

-mental exhaustion

-distraction

-separation

-valuing inner based on outer

-all are antithetical to practice

-all wraps into expecting to have to be a certain way to earn love; which is harmful to our selves, souls and collective community

the breakdown, devaluation and commodification of love. 

14. february 2009

transformation points and flows

practicing awareness/the threads of our minds

3 August 2009

10:40pm

 

gender ambiguity is balance

 

why do we try to reach balance/equilibrium/harmony in so many areas but still allow ourselves to be polarized to one extreme or another in terms of gender expression and ultimately performance (since this is out of balance) ?

 

 

dismantaling the threads of our minds:

 

one layer: do i look heavy/fat? (continuous)

 

one layer: when will this get better? (all the time that i am not in the present moment)

 

one layer: how can this exist while the opposite (mainly poverty, war and violence) also exist?  and, how does this action cause/effect/contribute to that suffering and destruction?

 

one layer: LOVE- want to give it and receive it-truly and genuinely 

seizing force

15 July 2009

Sex is a very powerful force.  That is why men have power-they are sexually fulfilled the majority of the time.  That’s why men control women’s bodies and shape our ideas of sexuality that propagate a dominant male, subservient female hierarchy. 

 

If women were being loved and fulfilled sexually,  and it was society’s number 1 priority that this be so (so it is for men and men’s sexuality now), not only would women be fulfilled, but the power derived from sexuality, would flourish and be free to determine, design and benefit the world.  

18 December 2009

While re-reading this entry, I realize that there are a few things I would like to change.  I do not think that men are almost always sexually fulfilled because I do not think that the type of sexuality that the majority of us experience and learn is truly fulfilling because it denies so many aspects of ourself and the world.  I do, however, recognize that this same sexuality is almost completely male-centric, which means that it focuses on the pleasure of the penis and the orgasm and ejaculation of the man.  That is what I meant when I said that men are almost always sexually fulfilled.  It isn't that they are truly fulfilled, but that the way that sexuality, desire, attraction, power, relationships, orgasms, pleasure is portrayed and practiced is centered around the man the majority of the time.  

why i believe plants have souls

seed keeper

life is flowing

women's studies

5 August 2009

11:30pm

Women’s Studies is my field of study, passion and commitment because it is one of the most liberal disciplines that demands honesty and truth and actively understands that education much be a tool to dismantle hierarchical system, transform individuals and communities and promote and actively practice justice.  

earth sun

inside me?

energy and color vibrations

awoke to healing

recognizing the spaces of darkness and blockage within

the connection of thought and heart 

goals

i just want to understand and see the world-and love-wildly, fully and truly. 

overwhelming

30 June 2009

10:30pm

 

I don’t know if anyone understands this wild, overwhelming, consuming and wondrous passion that I have and feel for the world.

Some days it just consumes me

and my heart overfloweth

with love

over-bounding, ever-reaching, piercing and true

love

it exudes and i just long to share it

with another

in a touch, a glance, a

closeness that presses through us and

merges being and matter

into one pulsating

breath of creation.

 

The lips of my soul

proclaim the wonder of earth’s kiss.

And I set myself free

my heart is leaping from my

skin and flying-soaring-reaching

for all of existence

eternal, everlasting,

 

and yet, at times it falls

with grief washing over with a

fog of weight

sinking down, further,

and there it often rests

contemplating, crying, closing eyes

tight to all of this, with a slow whimpered beat

 

because with the joy-and all its

immensity-

comes an equal and double

sadness, disappointment, pain

for the suffering.

 

And, I lay and ponder,

how can there be so

much peace in a

petal

while there are bloody warfields

that were once homes?

 

So, you sneak away from the

pain,

in little ways at first, and

then everyday.

and with that goes the joy, as well,

which is just the sacrifice that we make

to forget the pain.

 

Sometimes we get lost there

and some of us stay there forever

or don’t even care enough to try

for a bit.

 

But, then, there are those

that open to it all again

and allow it to flow once more-

pouring over, rushing over,

tossing us up and sideways

and tumbling through

worlds of color and time.

 

And here we are.

And not often can we find others

who took the plunge-

 

But, I will continue to look

and continue to believe

 

And one day, you will be there;

with heart thumping

and eyes crystal clear and

soft from the sweet, sweet

moment

that has begun.

 

I believe this to be true.  

eyes

10 June 2009

 

WHY?  why are so many eyes angry?  why are so many eyes filled with the effects of drugs?

 

why are so many eyes crying our for attention, recognition and love? 

 

when will we recognize this yearning in one another?

                                   

                                    but, would that change anything?

 

do people choose this pain?

thoughts

16 July 2009

10:00 am

 

i have thought so many things

for so many years

and still

there are so many years

to come...

 

                                                what will i think then? 

lets be each others angels

you are the color of wonderful

life is so much sweeter when shared.

 

 

birth

why are some births

celebrated

and other regretted?

don’t we understand yet

that that child

is all of ours

no one can possess

a free spirit

and soul

gifted by the universe

and sustained by my body.

 

the seed inside of me?

healing layers of peeling

grief

1 June 2009

I miss my grandparents so deeply. 

it hurts and the tears spring forth-they keep rising up. 

where are you all now?

do you miss us as much as i miss

you?

what is it like to long for us and

know the mystery of death?

will you ever visit?

will we ever meet?

did you know how much i love you?

when you died, did you know that?

 

i’m so sorry you were alone.  i’m so sorry

i didn’t spend more time with you. i’m so sorry

it is over

and

i’m so sorry for all and any pain.

 

and, i love you,

more than the number of waves in the ocean and

cells in this body and

stars in the skies and

sands in the seas.

i love you so bad it aches with loss and sadness and

i wish you were here to hug me

and hear your voice

and i’d do so much for your

grilled cheese sandwiches and familiar kitchens

and quilts and card playing and sleepovers and

safety.

i haven’t been that safe in a long time and

i miss you-so much i miss you.

like the depths of aching and the exhaustion of endless holes.

 

i love you with a sore and beating and

crying heart

 

thank you for life, love, care, guidance

and truth.

 

i’m sorry we didn’t do you better.  please forgive us all.

 

i love you.  and i hope you are walking with ease and smiling and in the arms of your loved

and finally free of all pain, discomfort, heartaches and aches.

 

have fun! live! smile! and know that i will always

be you

and love you.

 

lets see each other again-if only once-

 

i will stop running around sad, crazy,

lost

and i will be still in the trueness

that you taught me and i willl be

true to my source- my roots, my

love

 

and i will be thoughtful, still, patient, listening

and true-

walking with simplicity and a smile and

peace in each step- with only

kindness on my lips.

 

to honor the love you gave me for

so many, many years.

 

this is how we remember you-

through our heart-truth actions

 

kiss, hug, love and laughter

 

ALWAYS-

 

and know, i do believe in god-i just know

that it is so amazing and expansive-

it has to be-

the world is

simply just that remarkable.  

the body

the world is alive

journal watercoloring 

creation

hot feet

transformation of vibrations

self at the moment

listen

10 June 2009

listen

 

the jokes about my degree

and dedication of my life

are no longer funny or witty

or helpful for this world.

 

this is why.

 

all the women i know have been raped

and by who?

MEN

yah, that’s you,

you’re responsible.

what’s that?  you say is wasn’t you?

well, it was, it is, by the passivity of

your life and

the lack of standing in the streets

SCREAMING,

CRYING, DEMANDING

that we live differently

that your fellow men

STOP RAPING WOMEN

 

that the streets at night be safe

and not scary

that dance floors are for movement

and not places of gropping

and preying

that our pay rolls are the same

and our responsibility for family

planning are shared.

 

because each month I pay

X amount for tampons

X amount for birth control pills

X amount for condoms

and

X amount of my spirit to

have sex with you and try to block

out the times when my

body has been taken by others

 

and then, you go and say

this feels so good

and you’re going to cum

and then you talk to guys

about us

as hot, foxy, something you want to bang

something that has to look one way

for your attention

 

and yet still, you joke about my role

in this world

and my degree and

you don’t even have to think about it.

ever.

 

but, i’m not going to be bitter.

 

i’m going to be FREE. 

what is the message of hatred?

10 June 2009

 

when they killed dr. tiller

 

they killed a person

committed to life and dignity

they killed a little bit of each of us

because that’s what happens

whenever someone’s live if blown

away by bullets in aisles of

churches

and no, that is not the same as

an abortion,

a medical procedure to terminate

a pregnancy

for whatever reason-which really isn’t your business,

but let me tell you a few:

 

-women are raped by men

-girls are raped by fathers, uncles, cousins, brothers, and friends

-women are responsible to purchase and effectively use a form of birth control when the most you have to do is buy that 99 cent condom

-women are pressured into sexual relationships because we have been socialized to believe that our value comes from men wanting our bodies, wanting to ejaculate inside of us with their hard, impersonal, invasive penises.

 

and so, yes, abortion must be an option

as long as the world places women,

our bodies, and our lives as secondary

to the pursuits, profits and pleasures of men

 

and, instead of killing patriarchy,

they killed dr. george tiller,

 

and what will change?  what has changed?

 

well, a family is missing a father

a clinic is missing a doctor

a community is missing a member

a church is missing and usher

and the world is missing a compassionate

soul, a wise heart, and a brilliant mind.

salt trails

1 July 2009

 

when choosing someone to love,

it is important to know if

our partner being will walk

the salt trails

of our tears.  

love.

10 June 2009

 

how have we become these people who forgot how to love?

 

love is the expression of recognizing the connectedness of our souls and sources,

and being overwhelmed by the brilliance of that remembrance.

 

 

 

lets write love letters to one another

that say sweetnesses:

 

my heart overflows with each thought of your smile

 

lets love one another, my best friend

 

lets take that plunge together

toes over heads

twirling through and through

 

lets be each other’s angels- i still believe thats possible for me and you.

 

let me love you, sweet boy, let me show you

the sensitive side of me

that will care for you all

of days

let me whisper sweet hymns of

harmony and happiness, bliss

 

let me be a source of that love

that carries us out

into this crazy, amazingly magnificent and

devastating world.

 

let me wrap my limbs around

your being

 

i’ve always believed that you are the color of wonderful.

 

believe in creativity with me.

 

lets create together the pleasure of summer nights on porches.

 

let me read these sweet longings to you and have them grace

your ears and please your heart so

much that your cheese to eyebrows

smile with contentment.

 

and then we’ll kiss.

with lips softness and fingers intertwined

feeling the flowing river of sadness

proliferation of hatred

1 June 2009

8:00pm

 

I don’t want to live in a world with so much hatred and violence.  How can this exist?  And, why?  Why are people pushed to such extremes? And, how come we all keep living while there is a war our country started, destruction all over the place and violence against one another? 

 

When will we stop killing each other, the world and ourselves?  When will we stop meaningless fighting and rhetoric and start really focusing on one another’s lives and our mutual interdependence?

 

When will we stop hierarchical, hurtful ways of being and living and governing and begin to empower all people to be free and compassionate?

 

I am so, so sad at the murder of Dr. George Tiller.  I am so sad that all of us allowed it to get this far.  And, I am so sad that this won’t be the end of violence.  Don’t people see?  Abortion will and must continue to be legal and safe and taking place.  If you think otherwise, you live in a very uncaring and ignorant place-with very little empathy and ability to imagine life and other people’s lives or even understand a variety of situations that could occur in our own life.  And now, a caring man who worked to protect and honor and take care of women, families and communities when so many of us are too afraid to do so ourselves, is dead.  And, for what?  And, who will benefit?  Not his family.  Not his clinic or clients or all the women and families that rely on his services for a life-saving procedure.  Not all the health care professionals that every single day face rioters and have to live in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety that they will be the next or that it will be their doctor or clinic.  And for what reason?  For some supposed life advocated?  NO WAY! NOT POSSIBLE!  NO ONE who does this and is so hateful and so violent believes in or values life, love, respect and understanding.

 

When will we all start listening and stop our shouting?  And when will we stop and realize that life is preserved and protected in the way we walk on this earth and treat one another.  When will we meet and utilize compassion and understanding in our listening and speaking and acting? 

 

When will we recognize that this is not a game to be won or lost, but about real decisions and complex, confusing and challenging situations?

 

When will we learn that violence is never, ever the way? 

And, when will we live it and not just teach it to our children and then do the opposite of the ideals that we preach?

 

My heart and spirit ache as my whole body cries for this unbelievable tragedy. 

 

Please, whoever you are, do whatever you can to spread love, peace, compassion, understanding.  And, please start to listen, REALLY LISTEN, more than you shout.  And please, feel- we have to start feeling so we can stop and never start again the violence, hatred and war. 

 

We don’t have to live this way.  We can choose life-peace-truth-health-healing-We can choose to love and be loved.  CHOOSE LOVE!

and the world goes on...

10 June 2009

 

And the world goes on ...

 

A child called out to the universe, asking:

 

When will we stop this pain

and teach ourselves to be friends again?

We teach our children and youth

to be free and true

but then we all reach the years

where this seems more and more impossible

than every before

because war is going on

we are killing every day

with bombs, rape, diseases

with unkindness and hollow eyes

that no longer cry

for destruction and pain

 

When will the world be a place

with more love than hate?

more beauty, laughter, lyrics and paints

more kissing our children and

our partners with admiration

for the wonder that stands and speaks

before our eyes.

 

When will we hold hands again

so that the world turns

and turns

and our fingers intertwine like our

hearts, eyes and lives?

 

And when will we love, love, love

with wild unabandonment?

 

And the universe responded,

 

When you learn to smile more with your eyes and listen more with your hearts.  

a beginning...

i realized during my time in india that i really enjoy posting thoughts, photos, questions, stories, and papers on a blog, so this new blog will continue that practice.  i am not sure yet what form i will have this take or how often i will write/post, but i invite all who would like to follow along the journey to do so.  please always feel free to interact with me and the blog-to ask questions, think, ponder, discover, and on and on.