grief

1 June 2009

I miss my grandparents so deeply. 

it hurts and the tears spring forth-they keep rising up. 

where are you all now?

do you miss us as much as i miss

you?

what is it like to long for us and

know the mystery of death?

will you ever visit?

will we ever meet?

did you know how much i love you?

when you died, did you know that?

 

i’m so sorry you were alone.  i’m so sorry

i didn’t spend more time with you. i’m so sorry

it is over

and

i’m so sorry for all and any pain.

 

and, i love you,

more than the number of waves in the ocean and

cells in this body and

stars in the skies and

sands in the seas.

i love you so bad it aches with loss and sadness and

i wish you were here to hug me

and hear your voice

and i’d do so much for your

grilled cheese sandwiches and familiar kitchens

and quilts and card playing and sleepovers and

safety.

i haven’t been that safe in a long time and

i miss you-so much i miss you.

like the depths of aching and the exhaustion of endless holes.

 

i love you with a sore and beating and

crying heart

 

thank you for life, love, care, guidance

and truth.

 

i’m sorry we didn’t do you better.  please forgive us all.

 

i love you.  and i hope you are walking with ease and smiling and in the arms of your loved

and finally free of all pain, discomfort, heartaches and aches.

 

have fun! live! smile! and know that i will always

be you

and love you.

 

lets see each other again-if only once-

 

i will stop running around sad, crazy,

lost

and i will be still in the trueness

that you taught me and i willl be

true to my source- my roots, my

love

 

and i will be thoughtful, still, patient, listening

and true-

walking with simplicity and a smile and

peace in each step- with only

kindness on my lips.

 

to honor the love you gave me for

so many, many years.

 

this is how we remember you-

through our heart-truth actions

 

kiss, hug, love and laughter

 

ALWAYS-

 

and know, i do believe in god-i just know

that it is so amazing and expansive-

it has to be-

the world is

simply just that remarkable.