to know that in mere moments
none of this will be?
that you will never again see
her face or kiss his lips
or touch these sheets softly against your hands?
that every moment of your life
will vanish
to know the mass of flesh will
lie there
sagging skin
organs to be cut open and examined
by someone who never knew you
funerals planned
put into the ground
or body burned by flames
lots of crying people
no one knowing what to say
breaths further apart
loosing ability to move arms and legs
eyes closed
difficult to open
slowed breath
maybe those you love are there
or maybe they already died
do you hear anything?
feel anything?
know anything new?
is there anything in that moment that never was before that moment?
what does your blood feel like?
and your breath?
what do you think?
if you are unconscious, do you know that death is near?
or any of these things?
do you know what it is to die?
to be moments from not existing in the
world in this way?
do you think of your parents?
or your mother when she birthed you?
or the way you were conceived?
or your children?
or the moments they were conceived?
or your god?
or your love?
or your mistakes?
or is it just the immediate pain?
the fewer and farther between breaths?
do you know none of the rest of this at all?
are you scared?
are you free?
or panicked?
can this ever be shared with someone else?
do you know the end of life
more than the beginning?
or are we like the brand new baby pushed out
of the mother's womb
covered in blood and liquids
and tears
and gasping for breath
and with no memory yet
knowing nothing but the
sensations of
life
the heat, the lack of heat
the air
the functioning lungs
the crying out
the clinging to our mother
being held by another?
18 december 2009
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