like staring at
blue veins and
wishing they would bleed
release
this anxiousness i feel
pulsating in my
contracting, constricting, contracting, constricting
why can't i leave the past?
why can't i shed that time, those places,
those things, those ways?
why do they stay in me, cling to me,
tighten in my thought and
pressure in my head
even tears won't release me
how do i learn to crawl out of this
dark and damp cave?
how do i shed this skin and
grow fresh?
or not even grow fresh...there is
nothing i want to retain
i want to be a new, but not even
a new
i want to not be i
no have no concept of i
no memory of i
no thoughts of i
this i that knew you
who knew me
i was i
and never knew me or
god or love or anything
i still don't know anything
thats why i want to be
a bird or a tree
or the wind
yes, the wind
or anything, anything
but this i
this trapped i
this constricted i
this i that reads horoscopes
looking for hope
or reassurance
or some kind of meaning
this i that no longer picks up books
this i that is tired of the world as it is
tired of hoping for better
tired of knowing that will never happen
tired of loneliness
and tired of everyday, ever moment
trying to teach myself
how to relax, be love, be free, be positive with
the people around me
tired of trying to be free and heal
i no longer want this i
i want to be a bird that flies away
the bird you see in the sky for a moment
and then never again in your life
a fish lost in the depth of the water
that scientists have never created a ridiculous name
to be called and categorized and found and studied
and drawn into their constructed reality
of the world as they alone see it
with all the meaning created by what it means for us
how we see it, feel it, think it, how it impacts us
yes, i want to be that fish that has never been seen by the human eye
that is still free creation
swimming in the waters, the cool and warm waters, the currents
tied to the moon
twirling with the stars
want to feel the water on my skin
don't want to feel this weight
trapped by this weight
clothed in this weight
defined by this weight
feel bad about this weight
i want to swim free
fly free
soar in the waters and the skies free
leave this world for the forest or the sea
a place where no human being has ever seen
and when i die not ask what happened or
didn't happen or if i lived or loved
fully enough
this i is stuck in thoughts
this i is lost
this i knows too much and nothing at all
this i wears a mask
that the birds have never ever imaged is
necessary or possible
never questioning
content with, no, not even aware
of questioning
their feathers and scales
18 december 2009
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