portrait of sjm, sept 2009
19 September, 2009
18 September, 2009
BREAKING NEWS!
would i be considered insane if i kept all the clippings from the papers that tell the stories of the women and girls that are raped and murdered?
it would fill up all the space and day after day layer
on top of one another
all the women
all the women
all the WOMEN
why the women?
i have too many questions to ask about why women are killed and so many other horrible, horrible things that i should name because we need to actually be shocked into
action and remember
our compassion
and empathy
for a person’s life-
a person, a beautiful, beautiful person
who has a mother and a father
and a brother and friends
and high school friends and neighborhood friends
and work friends and college friends and sports team friends
and dreams
and loves
and lovers
and people she has loved and been intimate with
and opened her self and
and she has once or maybe many times
jumped, leaped, dove into the depths
of vulnerability and truth and trust
and then, one day
a man, a man, a man, a man?
comes and hits her
or beats her
or rapes her
or kills her
or hits, beats, rapes and kills her
and then we broadcast this on the news
and the headlines flash and rush past as 5 second recaps of the daily sports games
stream across the bottom of the screen
and we can see what news report will air in 2 minutes counting down
120, 119, 118, 117..........60, 59, 58, 57, 56, 55, 54 seconds
and the graphic in the corner flashes
BREAKING NEWS
and they are talking about a person
a person
that beautiful person
that baby, that toddler, that first day of school, that teenage confusion, and young adult wonder
that person
PERSON
say it-
P E R S O N
you, me
our interbe
and it happens
each and every day
and each and every day
these stories and words
stream past us
and through us
and enter our ears
and we stop crying
and we stop caring
and we look back at our glamour magazine while bopping up and down on the elliptical machine
and that’s it
and NO ONE THINKS ABOUT HOW THIS FEELS
and EFFECTS US ALL
and ESPECIALLY THOSE CLOSE TO THAT LIVING, BREATHING, LOVING HUMAN BEING
why have we forgotten how to know with each
cell of our existence
how it is, what it feels like, how you be
when someone experiences pain
and suffering
and inexplicable, thoughtless violence
?
?
?
where have we gone
and who have we become?
and when will we open our heart eyes and ears
and remember that we die too, but it is more than that
the reason the loss is tragic is not because it effects me
it is because it happened
and that person experienced pain and suffering and absolute hatred and violence
as the last emotions of physical experience on this earth
and the reason they experienced that was
100% avoidable, 100% hatred, 100% inexplicable to the point that nothing you have ever been taught or believe about human existence (and human nature? –if that even exists) could align with these acts of brutality and so what does that mean for all of existence
and why does it exist?
why do we allow this to perpetuate
and, if we aren’t the ones allowing it to happen,
why does whoever or whatever is the ruling, creating force want/allow/know about this?
we need to do something
we can not be silent.
thursday, september 17, 2009 12:37am
04 September, 2009
03 September, 2009
pro-me
i’m tired of walking the streets
preaching what i’m against and
hating you.
so here’s what i’m FOR.
i’m pro-love and
pro-possibility.
i’m pro-women loving women
emancipation, imagination and
DREAMS.
i’m pro-passion, compassion
and practice meeting theory to
reveal the expansive realm
of opportunity.
i’m pro-choice.
and i don’t mean just over the
fetus in my womb,
but over my life, the world, our oceans,
gardens, rivers,
families, agricultural practices,
and
autonomy.
i’m pro-people
black, white, red, yellow, and green.
pro-woman, and man
and everyone
in between.
because we’re all in-betweens
because nothing separates me and that
man on the street
except the socialized teachings that have taught him that he can
rape and dominate me.
because he has a penis. and i don’t.
i’m pro-poetry, creativity,
expression,
dance,
sweat
revolution
laughter and sensuality.
i’m pro-peace. no, not just flower child, barefeet optimism
(although that’s alright, too)
but hard work, reconciliation,
mediation and listening to
my aches
your pains
as broken people
in a wounded world.
i’m pro-healing, pro-teaching,
pro-hope and love-making.
i’m pro-dignity, personality,
and freedom for everyone of us to see
the scope of our
DIVINITY.
i’m pro-reading books, giving looks, and
shouting at the top of my lungs
I AM WOMAN. I AM FREE.
I am past, present, and in the
queerness of my identity
i am
unity.
so stop fucking me and raping
her
because i’m pro-life
with a capital L
and your laws do not determine
my life or my value in the world.
i’m pro-healing, and kneeling
and digging in dirt.
i’m pro-mother, pro-father, pro-sister
brother/aunt/uncle/cousin and friend.
i’m from no where and everywhere and therefore,
i’m pro-wandering, discovering, challenging and
sometimes, sometimes,
FUCKING UP,
because i’m pro-CHANGE,
and NOT BEING THE SAME
as the hatred and war that drives our economy and
bombs women and children overseas.
because women and children are the victims of war
as big men with guns storm through their doors,
and rape our daughters and slaughter our sons
as they sling machine guns over their arms
and force the poorest to take up weapons because they have been told that they have to
kill someone else in order to become a man
and earn their degree.
because they are lower-class, different, diseased
definitely not deserving of the same rights as you or as me.
i’m pro- food, education, health-care
and shelter for all.
and i’m pro-raising our taxes for social welfare.
because we all need help. we are not alone
because systems are systematic and
patriarchy, racism, classism, sexism, agism, and heterosexism (to just name a few)
privilege some over others
and NO ONE
is a self-made man.
i’m pro-community,
pro-playgrounds and schools,
pro-libraries, pro-protest, pro-public space
pro-art,
graffiti/pro-song/hip hop and being smart.
pro-hugs, and kisses-
but only with permission
because your illegal sexuality
has no place or claim on my
physical, mental or emotional body.
i’m pro-eating right and exercise.
pro-relaxation and compromise.
pro-ganja, pro-wisdom, pro-meditation,
pro-evolution.
i’m pro-spirituality and taking turns
because sharing is caring
and there’s more than enough to go around.
i’m pro-waking up
and looking around
and focusing on the oneness of our shared humanity.
i’m pro-loving myself
and being me
and allowing others to live and to breath.
i’m pro-slowing down
and shutting up
because sometimes its about hearing the stories of others and not just yourself, because we are not the gate-keepers of knowledge
and authority.
i’m pro-honesty
pro-solidarity
pro-not being silent and
beginning to grieve
for all the people we’ve killed
and deaths we’ve allowed
and crimes against the poor
done by the very same dictators that govern our laws
and make our policies
and increase our dependence on
the raping of land and stealing of resources from everyone overseas.
i’m pro-taking naps, and going on walks
pro-climbing mountains
and camping out.
i’m pro-loving each other as much as we love
that new dvd/television/house/shoes and purse.
i’m pro-ideological change
that originates inside
our very own minds
because nothing happens in real life
that does not first occur in our brains.
this is what i’m PRO. this is what i’m FOR.
i’m pro-love, pro-you, pro-god, pro-seasons,
pro-organic REVOLUTION
pro-teaching each other to care for the world
pro-positivity
and definitely, absolutely, without a doubt-
I’M PRO-ME.
written spring 2008
gender
clinging to gender involves:
-consumerism
-focus on external
-time consumption
-running away from self
-mental exhaustion
-distraction
-separation
-valuing inner based on outer
-all are antithetical to practice
-all wraps into expecting to have to be a certain way to earn love; which is harmful to our selves, souls and collective community
the breakdown, devaluation and commodification of love.
14. february 2009
practicing awareness/the threads of our minds
3 August 2009
10:40pm
gender ambiguity is balance
why do we try to reach balance/equilibrium/harmony in so many areas but still allow ourselves to be polarized to one extreme or another in terms of gender expression and ultimately performance (since this is out of balance) ?
dismantaling the threads of our minds:
one layer: do i look heavy/fat? (continuous)
one layer: when will this get better? (all the time that i am not in the present moment)
one layer: how can this exist while the opposite (mainly poverty, war and violence) also exist? and, how does this action cause/effect/contribute to that suffering and destruction?
one layer: LOVE- want to give it and receive it-truly and genuinely
seizing force
15 July 2009
Sex is a very powerful force. That is why men have power-they are sexually fulfilled the majority of the time. That’s why men control women’s bodies and shape our ideas of sexuality that propagate a dominant male, subservient female hierarchy.
If women were being loved and fulfilled sexually, and it was society’s number 1 priority that this be so (so it is for men and men’s sexuality now), not only would women be fulfilled, but the power derived from sexuality, would flourish and be free to determine, design and benefit the world.
18 December 2009
While re-reading this entry, I realize that there are a few things I would like to change. I do not think that men are almost always sexually fulfilled because I do not think that the type of sexuality that the majority of us experience and learn is truly fulfilling because it denies so many aspects of ourself and the world. I do, however, recognize that this same sexuality is almost completely male-centric, which means that it focuses on the pleasure of the penis and the orgasm and ejaculation of the man. That is what I meant when I said that men are almost always sexually fulfilled. It isn't that they are truly fulfilled, but that the way that sexuality, desire, attraction, power, relationships, orgasms, pleasure is portrayed and practiced is centered around the man the majority of the time.
women's studies
5 August 2009
11:30pm
Women’s Studies is my field of study, passion and commitment because it is one of the most liberal disciplines that demands honesty and truth and actively understands that education much be a tool to dismantle hierarchical system, transform individuals and communities and promote and actively practice justice.
overwhelming
30 June 2009
10:30pm
I don’t know if anyone understands this wild, overwhelming, consuming and wondrous passion that I have and feel for the world.
Some days it just consumes me
and my heart overfloweth
with love
over-bounding, ever-reaching, piercing and true
love
it exudes and i just long to share it
with another
in a touch, a glance, a
closeness that presses through us and
merges being and matter
into one pulsating
breath of creation.
The lips of my soul
proclaim the wonder of earth’s kiss.
And I set myself free
my heart is leaping from my
skin and flying-soaring-reaching
for all of existence
eternal, everlasting,
and yet, at times it falls
with grief washing over with a
fog of weight
sinking down, further,
and there it often rests
contemplating, crying, closing eyes
tight to all of this, with a slow whimpered beat
because with the joy-and all its
immensity-
comes an equal and double
sadness, disappointment, pain
for the suffering.
And, I lay and ponder,
how can there be so
much peace in a
petal
while there are bloody warfields
that were once homes?
So, you sneak away from the
pain,
in little ways at first, and
then everyday.
and with that goes the joy, as well,
which is just the sacrifice that we make
to forget the pain.
Sometimes we get lost there
and some of us stay there forever
or don’t even care enough to try
for a bit.
But, then, there are those
that open to it all again
and allow it to flow once more-
pouring over, rushing over,
tossing us up and sideways
and tumbling through
worlds of color and time.
And here we are.
And not often can we find others
who took the plunge-
But, I will continue to look
and continue to believe
And one day, you will be there;
with heart thumping
and eyes crystal clear and
soft from the sweet, sweet
moment
that has begun.
I believe this to be true.
eyes
10 June 2009
WHY? why are so many eyes angry? why are so many eyes filled with the effects of drugs?
why are so many eyes crying our for attention, recognition and love?
when will we recognize this yearning in one another?
but, would that change anything?
do people choose this pain?
thoughts
16 July 2009
10:00 am
i have thought so many things
for so many years
and still
there are so many years
to come...
what will i think then?
birth
why are some births
celebrated
and other regretted?
don’t we understand yet
that that child
is all of ours
no one can possess
a free spirit
and soul
gifted by the universe
and sustained by my body.
grief
1 June 2009
I miss my grandparents so deeply.
it hurts and the tears spring forth-they keep rising up.
where are you all now?
do you miss us as much as i miss
you?
what is it like to long for us and
know the mystery of death?
will you ever visit?
will we ever meet?
did you know how much i love you?
when you died, did you know that?
i’m so sorry you were alone. i’m so sorry
i didn’t spend more time with you. i’m so sorry
it is over
and
i’m so sorry for all and any pain.
and, i love you,
more than the number of waves in the ocean and
cells in this body and
stars in the skies and
sands in the seas.
i love you so bad it aches with loss and sadness and
i wish you were here to hug me
and hear your voice
and i’d do so much for your
grilled cheese sandwiches and familiar kitchens
and quilts and card playing and sleepovers and
safety.
i haven’t been that safe in a long time and
i miss you-so much i miss you.
like the depths of aching and the exhaustion of endless holes.
i love you with a sore and beating and
crying heart
thank you for life, love, care, guidance
and truth.
i’m sorry we didn’t do you better. please forgive us all.
i love you. and i hope you are walking with ease and smiling and in the arms of your loved
and finally free of all pain, discomfort, heartaches and aches.
have fun! live! smile! and know that i will always
be you
and love you.
lets see each other again-if only once-
i will stop running around sad, crazy,
lost
and i will be still in the trueness
that you taught me and i willl be
true to my source- my roots, my
love
and i will be thoughtful, still, patient, listening
and true-
walking with simplicity and a smile and
peace in each step- with only
kindness on my lips.
to honor the love you gave me for
so many, many years.
this is how we remember you-
through our heart-truth actions
kiss, hug, love and laughter
ALWAYS-
and know, i do believe in god-i just know
that it is so amazing and expansive-
it has to be-
the world is
simply just that remarkable.
listen
10 June 2009
listen
the jokes about my degree
and dedication of my life
are no longer funny or witty
or helpful for this world.
this is why.
all the women i know have been raped
and by who?
MEN
yah, that’s you,
you’re responsible.
what’s that? you say is wasn’t you?
well, it was, it is, by the passivity of
your life and
the lack of standing in the streets
SCREAMING,
CRYING, DEMANDING
that we live differently
that your fellow men
STOP RAPING WOMEN
that the streets at night be safe
and not scary
that dance floors are for movement
and not places of gropping
and preying
that our pay rolls are the same
and our responsibility for family
planning are shared.
because each month I pay
X amount for tampons
X amount for birth control pills
X amount for condoms
and
X amount of my spirit to
have sex with you and try to block
out the times when my
body has been taken by others
and then, you go and say
this feels so good
and you’re going to cum
and then you talk to guys
about us
as hot, foxy, something you want to bang
something that has to look one way
for your attention
and yet still, you joke about my role
in this world
and my degree and
you don’t even have to think about it.
ever.
but, i’m not going to be bitter.
i’m going to be FREE.
what is the message of hatred?
10 June 2009
when they killed dr. tiller
they killed a person
committed to life and dignity
they killed a little bit of each of us
because that’s what happens
whenever someone’s live if blown
away by bullets in aisles of
churches
and no, that is not the same as
an abortion,
a medical procedure to terminate
a pregnancy
for whatever reason-which really isn’t your business,
but let me tell you a few:
-women are raped by men
-girls are raped by fathers, uncles, cousins, brothers, and friends
-women are responsible to purchase and effectively use a form of birth control when the most you have to do is buy that 99 cent condom
-women are pressured into sexual relationships because we have been socialized to believe that our value comes from men wanting our bodies, wanting to ejaculate inside of us with their hard, impersonal, invasive penises.
and so, yes, abortion must be an option
as long as the world places women,
our bodies, and our lives as secondary
to the pursuits, profits and pleasures of men
and, instead of killing patriarchy,
they killed dr. george tiller,
and what will change? what has changed?
well, a family is missing a father
a clinic is missing a doctor
a community is missing a member
a church is missing and usher
and the world is missing a compassionate
soul, a wise heart, and a brilliant mind.
salt trails
1 July 2009
when choosing someone to love,
it is important to know if
our partner being will walk
the salt trails
of our tears.
love.
10 June 2009
how have we become these people who forgot how to love?
love is the expression of recognizing the connectedness of our souls and sources,
and being overwhelmed by the brilliance of that remembrance.
lets write love letters to one another
that say sweetnesses:
my heart overflows with each thought of your smile
lets love one another, my best friend
lets take that plunge together
toes over heads
twirling through and through
lets be each other’s angels- i still believe thats possible for me and you.
let me love you, sweet boy, let me show you
the sensitive side of me
that will care for you all
of days
let me whisper sweet hymns of
harmony and happiness, bliss
let me be a source of that love
that carries us out
into this crazy, amazingly magnificent and
devastating world.
let me wrap my limbs around
your being
i’ve always believed that you are the color of wonderful.
believe in creativity with me.
lets create together the pleasure of summer nights on porches.
let me read these sweet longings to you and have them grace
your ears and please your heart so
much that your cheese to eyebrows
smile with contentment.
and then we’ll kiss.
with lips softness and fingers intertwined
proliferation of hatred
1 June 2009
8:00pm
I don’t want to live in a world with so much hatred and violence. How can this exist? And, why? Why are people pushed to such extremes? And, how come we all keep living while there is a war our country started, destruction all over the place and violence against one another?
When will we stop killing each other, the world and ourselves? When will we stop meaningless fighting and rhetoric and start really focusing on one another’s lives and our mutual interdependence?
When will we stop hierarchical, hurtful ways of being and living and governing and begin to empower all people to be free and compassionate?
I am so, so sad at the murder of Dr. George Tiller. I am so sad that all of us allowed it to get this far. And, I am so sad that this won’t be the end of violence. Don’t people see? Abortion will and must continue to be legal and safe and taking place. If you think otherwise, you live in a very uncaring and ignorant place-with very little empathy and ability to imagine life and other people’s lives or even understand a variety of situations that could occur in our own life. And now, a caring man who worked to protect and honor and take care of women, families and communities when so many of us are too afraid to do so ourselves, is dead. And, for what? And, who will benefit? Not his family. Not his clinic or clients or all the women and families that rely on his services for a life-saving procedure. Not all the health care professionals that every single day face rioters and have to live in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety that they will be the next or that it will be their doctor or clinic. And for what reason? For some supposed life advocated? NO WAY! NOT POSSIBLE! NO ONE who does this and is so hateful and so violent believes in or values life, love, respect and understanding.
When will we all start listening and stop our shouting? And when will we stop and realize that life is preserved and protected in the way we walk on this earth and treat one another. When will we meet and utilize compassion and understanding in our listening and speaking and acting?
When will we recognize that this is not a game to be won or lost, but about real decisions and complex, confusing and challenging situations?
When will we learn that violence is never, ever the way?
And, when will we live it and not just teach it to our children and then do the opposite of the ideals that we preach?
My heart and spirit ache as my whole body cries for this unbelievable tragedy.
Please, whoever you are, do whatever you can to spread love, peace, compassion, understanding. And, please start to listen, REALLY LISTEN, more than you shout. And please, feel- we have to start feeling so we can stop and never start again the violence, hatred and war.
We don’t have to live this way. We can choose life-peace-truth-health-healing-We can choose to love and be loved. CHOOSE LOVE!
and the world goes on...
10 June 2009
And the world goes on ...
A child called out to the universe, asking:
When will we stop this pain
and teach ourselves to be friends again?
We teach our children and youth
to be free and true
but then we all reach the years
where this seems more and more impossible
than every before
because war is going on
we are killing every day
with bombs, rape, diseases
with unkindness and hollow eyes
that no longer cry
for destruction and pain
When will the world be a place
with more love than hate?
more beauty, laughter, lyrics and paints
more kissing our children and
our partners with admiration
for the wonder that stands and speaks
before our eyes.
When will we hold hands again
so that the world turns
and turns
and our fingers intertwine like our
hearts, eyes and lives?
And when will we love, love, love
with wild unabandonment?
And the universe responded,
When you learn to smile more with your eyes and listen more with your hearts.
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