apology

apology

i want to write you a poem
a poem to explain
how my body feels anxious
with the uncertainty of 
our left conversation
i don't know what to say
or how to say it
or how to translate these
anxious pulses to pen

how come saying i'm sorry
is difficult?
how do we learn to apologize 
for causing pain?
how do i tell you and
have you believe
that i would never change you?
that i would never wish for you to be louder
or less of your quiet 
and sensitive self?
how do i communicate to you
that i meant what i wrote
when i told you of my disappointments,
but never with the intention
of creating more anger and hurt?

why is telling the truth so hard?
and why is telling the truth to ourselves even harder?
why is listening to the truth
from others ever-challenging still?

beyond the letter, and the words, 
and the struggles to listen and form 
the feelings and thoughts,
this is my message:
i am sorry, i still see you for you
but sometimes, my loneliness speaks
and there are sides of me,
like there are parts of you,
as there are spaces within all of us,
that are not always filled with brightness.

i am flawed, this i know,
and perhaps it is better that you too 
have now seen this 
but, in my heart there is not hatred,
only disappointment that the world
is as it is
and love does not flow freely,
that time and circumstances
pasts and fears
insecurities and pains
too often take control over our bodies 
and tell our minds the 
possible is impossible.

i've always wanted to see you,
as i long to see the world, 
in its fullest form,
freed from the walls that divide 
and entrap. 

this poem is not meant 
to tell you what you should do
or who you should be
or dwell on my hopes for the earth.
the purpose of this poem is
to apologize to you for anything
that caused pain and anger
and to show you that I, too,
am still learning.

26, December 2009